FML: Its The End…or The Beginning?

So…I’m rounding out my senior year here at the University of Illinois…I get a little misty when I think about everyone I’ve met over the years, and especially recently.  I think I posted about it earlier, but just in case, I was the assistant stage manager for a play on campus, and I met a whole bunch of people and anyway I wish I had more time to get to know them…

Still while it seems like the end…its also a beginning…

I’ve been debating with myself on what to do after college, do I find a job now? Do I go to grad school or what?

I really had no clue what I really wanted to do.  I’m interested in so many things from writing music and playing guitar, to dance, and studying biology.  Well working on this play and a few other events in my life helped to point me in the right direction.

First the play.  As assistant stage manager, you are not a star.  I’m just being honest.  You get to do some dirty work, like clean-up the stage and backstage every day.  Keep track of actors and their lines,  and haul rocks…well sometimes.  I realized I hate not being in the spotlight.  I HATE it.  I like costumes, I like being in front, I like attention…no I love it.  Marianne Golden one of my first dance teachers said it best “Dominica might be quiet, but on stage she’s a ham”  I didn’t understand that at first, I thought she meant I was a fat pig, I was only 6 when she said it, but now I know.  Its in my blood somehow: I love the spotlight.  While I greatly appreciate and I loved working on Bent as the ASM, its something I did once and won’t do again as a primary position.  Sure I would do it to get my foot in the door, but not for life.  I don’t want to be behind stage…I want to be on it.

Next thing, my fashion design class and writing.  So I learned a little about designing clothes.  It was fun, but what I learned was, I’m not made to go into designing clothes, I’m made to write stories.  All of the collections I created for this class emerged from my mind as a story.  One day after class one of my classmates said “you should turn your collections in to a novel”  If only she knew I was already writing one…so if I’m ever behind the stage or camera…it would be as the person calling shots.  Directing and writing stories well screenplays…I like that.

Another thing.  ADHD & My Cognitive learning disorder.  I never thought I’d say this:  I’m LD stupid…hahahaha. Ok so its sort of an inside joke.  But I really am LD w/ADHD.  It explains a lot.  While my test scores are still above average there is a huge discrepancy between my sets of skills.  Verbally I score off the charts.  99.9% of the U.S. Population fall behind me in language, vocabulary, reading, general knowlege, etc.  While with math, and spatial problems I’m just slightly above average.  That’s a huge discrepancy and a problem for me because I’m trying to learn everything at a level above everyone else, then add in that I can’t pay attention for my life and my short term memory sucks, and I love blurting out answers and cutting people short.  Well I don’t love it, I just get impatient and I just do it without thinking.

So how does being LD help me?  Well I’ve always been this way and just struggled along; so it never helped me, but now that I’ve discovered it I can take steps to reign in my focus and go to grad school ready to really succeed instead of flop around in a million different academic areas.  Also I don’t feel like there’s something wrong with me that I can’t put my finger on anymore.  Knowing also helps me socially.  With my disability relationships are harder, it may partially explain my lack of never having a boyfriend. I don’t pick on social signals like everyone else.  I’m socially behind most people my age just because I can’t read humans like most people.  I’m so glad I know now b/c I just cut off someone I cared about, things were just too mucked up, and the same day I ended it with him, I found a few guys much more interesting (ok so I said a few but we all know out of those few there’s a one) and I’m taking great pains to pay close attention to them and just taking it slow and being open and honest.

So, my goal is this:  USC.  I want to study film or acting.  See I’m still a little unfocused.  But at least I’m in one area instead of three or four.  I just have to decide if I can stand being behind the camera before I get a chance to be in front of it…I want both.