Much Better…

My past two posts have been pretty bitter.  I admit I cringed a little when I re-read them.  I’m feeling much better now.  I don’t know why, because honestly nothing has changed, but I guess I’m just putting it in perspective.

So, most of my bitter,  hard feelings stemmed from my conflicting feelings, and the list of let downs concerning a person.  It still hurts.  But I guess there are other people out there…and I’m committed to finding mine.

Seriously.  I’ve been single for what…ever?

Anyway the point is I’m feeling pretty good now…not 100%, but good…decent.  Thanks to my friends, and tasks that need to be completed, which are taking over most of my focus.  Also God.  I went to church on Ash Weds.  I gave up alcohol for Lent.  I’m focusing on me, and what I need emotionally which is something I ignore alot, especially when I like someone and I think what should I do so they like me, what does he want?…etc.

Instead its like this:  I’m already awesome enough to be cared about.  So the question is: What can you do to get me?

I know: Get me a pizza and some orange juice…I’m starving.

Meet Tristan, and Certain Songs Make Me Miss You

So this guy I know really well.  His name is Tristan Kavanagh, he’s the greatest guy I know, and probably the most perfect.  haha.  Well, you’ll see in his blog.  Which is actually helping me get to know him even better.  He’s just a friend, well he already has a super awesome gf.  So no luck there ladies.  Sorry.  So here’s the link: Tristan’s Blog

Also I know everyone says the reason I’m single is because I’m so cold-hearted, and guys are intimidated by me (Why!?!  Whatever, losers, scared of a 5′2″, 100lbs…)  Sureel said it’s because I’m ambiguous.  Basically she says guys can’t tell if I’m really into them or just toying with them, so they’re scared to take a chance.    Julian, also my best guy friend and cousin, said guys get the vibe that my first answer is going to be “NO.” and I give off the feeling of “You don’t have a chance.” So let me make this clear:  I have a HEART, and it can be pretty romantic…sometimes.  Ok, so I’m never gonna wanna watch A Walk to Remember, The Notebook, anything by Nicolas Sparks or anything like that CRAP.  Still, I like romance, just a drier version of it.  I’m sorta like a teenaged-boy at heart (that likes guys).  My kind of love is care-free and innocent, lighthearted, and fun.  Not tear-jerking or anything you’ll find on LifeTime…GROSS.

So anyway.  I’ve been a softy lately.  I dunno, I’ve been head-in-the-clouds-hoping-for-love-to-come-around for some unknown reason, and I’ve been going on dates.  Basically I’m giving people a chance, and its amazing how many people open up to you once you open up to them first.  Wow.  Still, I’m not attached in any sense of the word (I really like freedom).  There are 3 guys that I like more than anyone else so far.  But, for various reasons, I can’t see them as much as I would like…well there’s a main reason for all 3 of them: SCHOOL!!!!  Stupid school, making their schedules and mine busy as hell!!! It especially sucks for…my favorite one.  He and Tristan are actually a lot alike…look eh, similar… both from the same city…but he’s not tall like Tris.  I’ve even been less picky lately.  Like remember when I was in that blonde phase?  Well, I met a couple of cute brunettes, and basically I’m not going by any specific features anymore…just hottness.  That’s all that counts, well that and being super-smart, into music (all genres please, not just hip-hop or just rock…jeez), funny, creative, likes to read actual books, political, aromatically appealing, taller than me, nice, honest, reliable,  proficiency at an instrument (preferably guitar or piano) is a plus, as are: a good sense of fashion, ability to speak a European language (preferably Italian or French), being spontaneous, willingness to dance in public (i.e. bars, clubs etc.), non-opposed to getting drunk occassionally, and just being fantastically, awesome.  Oh, and willing to accept my love for Megan Fox, ask Dave he understands.  Wait…and not whiny.  Ugh, please don’t call me drunk and beg for me to come over, and don’t say: “I care about you more than you care about me.”  and don’t ask “When you graduate do you want to move-in together?” if we’ve only been together a total of 2 months.  Yeah, the ex did all of those things…he was basically a whiny-teenaged-girl.  I already possess a vagina…I don’t need two.  Sorry I got carried away.  That list of what I want isn’t too specific or long right?  I’m sure someone fits that other than Robert Schwartzman/Carmine (He goes by either name.)

Wait, wait, wait!!!  The list!  Ok, so the point was:  Certain songs make me want to have a significant guy in my life and sorta make me miss/pine for this one guy those other guys.  Here they are:

Artist ~ Song

We Are Scientists ~ After Hours

Foo Fighters ~ Walking After You

The Virgins ~ Private Affair

The Virgins ~ Teen Lovers

Asobi Seksu ~ Thursday

MGMT ~ Electric Feel

The Cure ~ Just Like Heaven

The Veronicas ~ Unthouched (That goes for me and the Jonas Brothers)

The Bridges ~ All the Words

Sam Sparro ~ Black & Gold

Phantom Planet ~ Dropped

Brazilian Girls ~ Good Time

Marie Digby ~ Stupid for You

Noah and the Whale ~ 5 Years Time

Aqualung ~ Strange and Beautiful

She and Him ~ Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?

Locksley ~ Don’t Make Me Wait

The Headlights ~ Everybody Needs a Fence to Lean On

Chairlift ~ Bruises

Coldplay ~ Lovers in Japan/Reign of Love

Bloc Party ~ Mercury (I don’t know why though)

Bloc Party ~ This Modern Love (I know exactly why)

Field Music ~ You’re So Pretty

Feist ~ Inside and Out (Reminds me of Andy Samberg)

Kaskade ~ 4AM

Paramore ~ That’s What You Get

Hard-Fi ~ Hard to Beat

Portishead ~ Glory Box

Charlotte Sometimes ~ How I Could Just Kill a Man (its the sound, not the words)

The Bravery ~ Time Won’t Let Me Go

Paolo Nutini ~ Last Request

James Morrison ~ Better Man

James Morrison ~ You Give Me Something

That’s all folks! So I’m going to do some actual work now, and practice my guitar, and go to sleep, and then wake up and go to class.  Love Ya.

Oh, I got a role in a movie.  More on that tomorrow.

Why Am I Not Married?

Weddings.  They are some of the most beautiful celebrations of life, and I can’t wait to have mine.

Marriage.  Scares the SHIT out of me, and I am not anywhere near prepared for that.  I’ve never even been in a serious relationship.  Longest boyfriend, if you can call him that, lasted, what, 2 weeks in my sophomore year of college.  Yeah, I’m perpetually single.

Really, I would love to have a wedding, or be a part of one, right now.  Why? because I love to party, but I don’t want the actual marriage that goes with it.  Just the pretty dress, the hot guy, the jewels, the food, and duh the party.  Obviously, I should just have a party, and I’m not looking for the big I DO.

But, so many of my friends are either promised to someone, engaged or MARRIED, or even MARRIED…with a BABY.  YIKES.  Whenever I receive a new announcement for an engagement or wedding, or even baby, I get a little sick inside.  One of the first guys I ever had a crush on, when I was like 5, is getting married.  I remember when he said he’d marry me, and we laughed and laughed.  Now he really doing it, just not to me.  I don’t think he’s laughing now, he’s serious.  That’s scary.

I feel OLD all of a sudden, I feel like I want to hide.  I used to think I wanted to be married by the time I was 23 or 24, I thought I would be.  Well I’m here.  I’ll be 23 in what 2.5 months? I don’t feel anywhere near old enough for marriage, I don’t even feel 22.  I feel like 19, I feel like I have sooo much time.  I’m not ready to be tied down.  Why are my friends getting tied down?  Why are they being so serious?  Why is my best guy friend buying a condo in downtown Chicago, while I’m still living with my parents and in college, with no idea what I’m going to do, I haven’t even planned for tomorrow…and I should cuz I’m competing in a pageant!!!

I just had to post about how weirded out I am right now.  I just learned a friend of mine just had a baby, and he gushed over her beautiful green eyes, little mouth and hands.

I have never had sex. Never had a serious boyfriend. Babies are light-years away for me.  So that’s why I’m not married, and won’t be for a long-ass time.